Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
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friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building