Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.