(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course