INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Meow
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.