* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
selena gomez
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.