I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
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Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it