How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
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Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Choose your fighter
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace