Choose your fighter
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Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Monday
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Never be a pizza!
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?