A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*mops up wine with cat*
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*