My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
screw you
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button