All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
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Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
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o
o
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.