sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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we all know this pain all too well
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
When you let grandma cat sit
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer