KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.