Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
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My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
wish me luck lads
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms