Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me, in DM rooms…
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.