murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
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judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.