I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Best mom ever 😂
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit