damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.