damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
![]()
You Might Also Like
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
![]()
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
![]()
![]()
![]()
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
![]()
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.