Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.