I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.