The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds