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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …