๐๐
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so itโs just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Hey kid.. donโt let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I finally found my wifeโs hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
– โDid you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?โ
– โI think you mean arm?โ
– โNO I DON’T!!โ
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
โDrinking water successfullyโ is out
โDrinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god youโre sitting and the pants got hit tooโ is in
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Iโve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food theyโre selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like โWow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I canโt tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.โ What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Iโm staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a โfun-sizeโ candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? ๐ซ๐
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying โif you donโt stop heโs gonna take you awayโ like wtf no im not