Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Not today.. 😂
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”