I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
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I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
This is why I hate group projects
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
couldn’t resist
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black