Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
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Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym