Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
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CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.