[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
the composer
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.