I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Mountain Goat : )
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”