Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”