*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
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The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life