I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
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Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time