I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
You Might Also Like
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”