When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly