TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
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Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Thursday Thought.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”