Thursday Thought.
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If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”