Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Our lord and savoury.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
When ur friends with white people