Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.