Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?