Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
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Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.