Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
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I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Cha-ching is my safe word
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*