Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
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[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
“I wouldn’t.”
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
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78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
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when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?