“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.