My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
she has a point
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said