Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
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5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
waiting for halloween be like:
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
are they though??
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.