This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.