Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
You Might Also Like
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker