the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
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God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook