*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂