Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
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The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.