My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”