I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
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Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Its true…
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
IT’S-A ME,
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.